My way ... or the highway

Yesterday we continued our series on expectations in marriage.  The topic that we focused on yesterday was a "my way...or the highway" approach to marriage that is based on the expectation that our spouse must change to meet all of our needs and bring us fulfillment.  In this Great Expectations series we have identified that God has wired us to look to him for the provision of our needs and to serve our spouse in marriage, submitting to them and pursuing what is good for them, encouraging them to also find that their fulfillment can be in God alone.

This my way...or the highway approach can become most evident and explicit when our spouse does not change to meet a desire that we experience.  This happens when our spouse doesn't see, or maybe doesn't value our desires like we expect them to, and we try to change them so that they do see, value, and meet our expectations.  In this approach to relationship, when our spouse does not not change we reject them, maybe for just a brief time; or for a deeply held expectations, maybe permanently.

I have found this attitude to be evident in my life when I am striving to serve my spouse Heidi with the hope that she will then meet an expectation of mine.  When I have done this, I have served her, not expecting God to meet my needs, and provide me the strength to serve Heidi.  No, I have put my expectations and needs on hold, until a future moment when I expect that Heidi will fulfill them.  In times when this takes place and then she doesn't reciprocate as I expect her to I can become embittered, and even for a brief time reject her because of her choice or inability to meet my expectations of her.  I treat her as if she has to meet all of my expectations, or I will give her the cold shoulder.

Maybe you have experienced something like this in your own marriage.  As we try to do good for our spouse, maybe we go out of our way to try to show them that they are valuable and loved.  And after we do this we find that we expect them to see our needs and value them as we just tried to do for them.  As this gap is exposed in our spouse' actions and our expectations, we have the opportunity to run to God and depend on him for our unmet needs, and for the strength to humbly serve our spouse knowing that God will provide for our needs.  In this we can remind ourselves that God is able to give us strength in our weakness. 

May God soften your heart and make you willing to turn to Him for what you need as you serve your spouse this week.

Sincerely,

Bill

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Talk about a humble life:  Philippians 2 encourages us to put on the humble attitude that Jesus has.  This week, talk with your family about moments when God has given you strength to serve another person.  This week consider reading Philippians 2:1-11 at a daily family experience (meal, bedtime, etc.).  Talk about small ways that you could humbly serve each other or another family in your neighborhood.  As a family, acknowledge how God has been present and providing for you this week.  Conclude your discussions with times of family prayer, asking for the mind of Christ and the grace to live his humble life.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Memorize and meditate upon Philippians 5-11:  This week consider spending some time memorizing and meditating upon Philippians 2:5-11. Spend some time thinking about how you can humbly serve those around you. Chat with God about what, if anything, keeps you from serving others. Ask him for the grace to hide in him for the provision of your needs, as well as eyes to see how you can serve others around you.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

I experienced great loneliness the year before I met my wife Heidi.  Many of my friends seemed to be leaving me behind as they married and began to have children.  At the time, I had great success with being friendly with women, not so much success with engaging in meaningful relationships with men, and little to no success with romantic pursuits.  I was lonely! 

Many of my dreams and pursuits for love and fulfillment centered around romance.  I often thought, “If I could only meet ‘The One’, my life would be better.”  I had no idea how my expectations far surpassed what another could provide for me.  I also had no idea how much God was willing to provide. 

I met Heidi on a summer assignment, when I was on staff with Campus Crusade.  It was a summer of love.  I had met my TPF (The Perfect Fit), and I was expected that my deep and lasting experience of loneliness and need was getting ready to get booted out of my life.  Yes, I expected this spunky and fun-loving woman to so intently care for me that most if not all of my needs would be met.  I had internalized an expectation that she not only wanted to, but could meet my needs for love.

Thankfully, along the way, I have begun to more fully understand that though my wife is a kind, considerate, and selfless woman, she was not created with the resources needed to fulfill all of my needs for relationship and love.  In our relationships we need to confront that we cannot experience lasting fulfillment from the care of another.  We all have limitations, and are surrounded by others with needs and limitations.  So, we are invited by God to trust him with our needs and to serve each other and care for each other as we are able.

When our unmet needs for love are exposed, we experience loneliness.  During these moments we can choose to open ourselves vulnerably to God and surrender to his love, or not.  There might be times when you can speak for hours with God, and some times when you might sit unable to eek out a single syllable.  However, in either moment, sit before God and expose yourself to him, making yourself vulnerable to his loving care, attention, and provision.  There will be moments when he will give you amazing experiences of comfort.  There will also be times when he will remain seemingly silent.  Yet, in all of this know God is always present with you, working to bring about good for you, cultivating his life and love within you.  Remember, God's provision of love corresponds with your need for love.

 

Sincerely,

Bill

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Talk about a submissive life:  Loneliness is an experience that we all have.  This week, talk with your family about moments when you have felt lonely, or moments when you have tried to get others to meet your needs.  This week consider reading Psalm 16 at a daily family experience (meal, bedtime, etc.).  Talk about what it might look like to take refuge in God.  As a family, consider what God has provided you this week and thank God for these.  Conclude your discussions with times of family prayer, asking for the mind of Christ and the grace to live his submissive life.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Memorize and meditate upon Psalm 16:  Many of our marriage difficulties come from the expectation that our spouse is able, and should, meet all of our needs. This week consider spending some time memorizing and meditating upon Psalm 16. Spend some time thinking about your own personal needs and how you are attempting to meet them. Chat with God about what, if anything, keeps you from approaching him rather than others for the meeting of your needs. Ask him for the grace to hide in him for the provision of your needs.